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| After dropping a bunch of classes, I am on summer break, and it has been rejuvenating. I really am not the same person I was in high school; too much brain activity burns me out these days, especially when everything is so uncertain about my future. I thought college was supposed to make you feel good about yourself and set you up for the rest of your life, but it makes everything 10x more complicated. My schedule for fall 2010 includes the following:
| Course: | HINDI-URDU 101A P 001 LEC | | Course Title: | Readings in Modern Hindi | | Location: | MWF 12-1P, 109 WHEELER | | Instructor: | JAIN, U R |
| Course: | SPANISH 4 P 002 REC | | Course Title: | Intermediate Spanish | | Location: | MTWTF 8-9A, 247 DWINELLE | | Instructor: | THE STAFF |
| Course: | HISTORY OF ART 136B P 001 LEC | | Course Title: | The Art of India: 500-1350 A.D | | Location: | MWF 9-10A, 106 MOFFITT
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| Course: | SOCIOLOGY 131AC P 001 LEC | | Course Title: | Race and Ethnicity: U.S. American Cultures | | Location: | TuTh 1230-2P, 126 BARROWS | | Instructor: | FOX, C A |
| Course: | SOUTH ASIAN 1A P 001 LEC | | Course Title: | Introduction to the Civilization of Early India | | Location: | MWF 11-12P, 160 DWINELLE | | Instructor: | GOLDMAN, R P |
Who knew I'd ever reach my sixth semester of college Hindi! I barely got into a Spanish class this semester, and I am scared shitless of taking it since it has been so long. I am not thrilled about South Asian 1A because it's going to be all freshmen, and I just need it as a prerequisite for the South Asian Studies major that my dumbass decided to declare so late. Also, note to self: sociology is and will always be bullshit.
Right now, I am trying to land an internship or job for fall semester. There are some amazing opportunities listed right now (internships with Girls, Inc.; Mental Health Association of San Francisco; Rubicon, C.E.O. Women) that are keeping me from jumping into a job. That, and tons of stupid Berkeley kids want the same positions 
I feel kind of dumb not documenting my college experience. The first classes I took inevitably left me with the most lasting impressions, and I should have written the cool ideas I learned. I should probably invest in a camera, but it's not that important to me.
My dad has stopped drinking for the time being. He still indulges in tall cans but doesn't aim to get drunk. This is the best relationship we have had in a loong time. He has been staying with me in my Berkeley apartment (which has no tv or other form of entertainment), and we talk a lot. I just wonder when he will stop trying to pay my bills and let me take hold of my own life.
I've finally gotten time to read for leisure and watch movies. My friend Anu lent me her hard drive full of movies so I've been rotting my brain. White Oleander with Michelle Pfeiffer was really good, as was that stupid hipster movie 500 Days of Summer (can't help but like it). The Darjeeling Limited was ironic: a plot set in India having nothing to do with India in my opinion. That movie could have taken place on a train in Antarctica and nothing would have been different. As far as books go, I splurged at the book store. I am not even sure about what I bought. I'm currently still reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being (which is incredibly 500 Days of Summer-esque) and Eating the Dinosaur by Klosterman..another book full of post-modern intra-mind battles  . I also bought Infinite Jest (an infinitely long book) and a collection of essays from Jorge Luis Borges. Next on the list has to be Naomi Klein's Shock Doctrine, but I'm hella fucking broke so sorry Naomi.
Something that's been bothering me lately is how left-winged my education has been thus far. As a social science major, all I do is read and write about what I read. I know college is supposed to cause you to question the status-quo and want to enact change, but my school makes it seem that change can only come after we put black bandanas over our faces, staple a hammer and sickle to our backpacks, and machine-gun down the corporate pale-skinned oppressors that control the polis. After that, we have to annihilate all the Republican old people, open our borders, free factory cows that were supposed to be steak, and grow our own sustainable plots of organic corn, our beautiful, naked, vegan bodies healthy and free to congregate in a meadow somewhere in Santa Cruz. I want to hear both sides of the story!! Surely, resources need to be re-distributed and the income gap needs to shrink, but how can this generation work on accomplishing that when all we learn is impractical and impossible solutions? It's just frustrating..
I promise the next blog won't be years from now.
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| I already fucked up this supposedly daily blog!
Favorite movies totally depend on mood but one that I never get tired of no matter how many times I watch it at breakfast parties with Ricardo, Rosie, and Scott is White Chicks!!!! The humor is like on the level of a 12 year old but urrbody knows I'm not mature. Forest Gump is the shit also but it makes me cry every time. Naturally, I'll go with the funnier movie of the two.
My favorite tv show is Jeopardy duh. Is this even a question? I could watch that shit all day and night, and I often subject my friends to doing this. Alex Trebek is smart, sexy, and sarcastic. He's my Canadian hero, and it's going to be hella traumatic for me when he dies :(
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| Alright, there's hella shit to do this week with regards to summer session, BAHIA, and the apartment. This hopefully will serve as a temporary de-stressor. I thought it could be interesting!
My favorite song of all time is probably Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. DON'T LAUGH AT ME. R.I.P the genius/god Freddie Mercury and all the talent he possessed. I would post the video pero I don't know how and I have to write a presentation for tomorrow on domestic violence. Sidenote: I have been learning sooo much about domestic violence, and I am in love with my social welfare classes. Let's make this double major in Social Welfare/ South Asian Studies, minor in Public Policy work! I'm so fucking ready!!!
Day 01 — Your favorite song
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy | | |
| I notice patterns in my blogs, which are essentially my thoughts transformed into something tangible, something that can be analyzed and maybe understood by other humans. Often times I feel so intensely alone in my thoughts, like I have no connections with anyone else. However, I just took shrooms and had such a series of epiphanies. I wonder if that's the right word just because I feel that every human on this earth has the same basic set of qualities, range of emotions, thought capability and patterns, passion and intensity... it's what allows for “life” or the HUMAN EXPERIENCE. So they aren't epiphanies as that word implies some new original thought within myself but rather, the drug evoked latent ideas that hadn't surfaced in awhile. I had a battle between my mind/spirituality and material reality. My body is a nuisance, an inefficient vessel poorly constructed to fit a mind so endless and beautiful. I envisioned a world where everybody transcended their bodies, a realm of ideas, flowing thoughts, colliding, reshaping, coexisting. Here in college they teach you to produce ideas, create popular knowledge, and question everything around you. Within academia, many students compete and entertain themselves with the notion that they are being more 'enlightened' than friends who chose to opt out of college. The corporate world sees us as carefully-molded specimens who conform to power relationships (like that of a teacher and student) and aim to please by performing well in completing the task at hand. Essentially, I think everyone is missing the goddamn point. Energy cannot be created or destroyed and is beyond us. Our minds live on while our bodies rot in the ground. The social and political institutions, our religion, our family ties, everything is fleeting. A sense of GOD, I feel, is the human spirit itself, projected as some kind of safety net when everything goes wrong but really just sleeping within us the whole time. This world is supposed to be temporary; there is something inherently beautiful and astounding in varying degrees of reality. I feel shrooms gave me this out-of-body experience that put me back into perspective. I worry about not having a God, about not being able to help my father, about not doing great in school. All of those things are important for sure but life is a solitary journey and the individual mind/spirit is so incredibly powerful in every one of us. It cannot be communicated and must be felt. While it is cool to maintain social ties and functions, there is a different level of connectedness we should strive for, a positive mental synergy between my ideas and someone else's, an intense respect that we all share this endless journey together. It explains why humans value repetitiveness like the same ideas in 'new' tv shows or songs, a visit from an old friend, a memory; it creates a sense of shared history. But, I know that my self-worth is not measured by my social status, occupation, level of education, physical appeal, personal background, the actions of my friends and family, or dominant discourse of the time period. The material world can end tomorrow and I will be golden. I have a compassionate, loving, eager mind that just is. Non-negotiable or contingent on others. Forever. | | |
| I cannot do relationships. I started dating a great guy at the end of August, and it was just a huge mistake. I made the same mistakes with him that I did with Isaac. Bluntly, I treat everyone like my goddamn best friend and loyal companion. Men probably complain that they sign up to be with a sociable, sharp-tongued and quick-witted Berkeley girl and end up with an overemotional, weak sack of bloated shit. I have a problem where I move into things way too fast, spill my heart out to people (NOT like girls that profess their love everyday but like, "these are my issues, listen to me" kinda shit), and expect them to still be attracted. It's also not completely my fault because I attract men with daddy issues. IF YOU'RE A MAN WHO DID NOT GROW UP WITH A FATHER OR COULDN'T HANDLE YOUR FATHER'S "TOUGH" DISCIPLINE, NEVER TALK TO ME BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THE ISSUES YOU HAVE WITH YOUR MASCULINITY AND SELF-WORTH. I need a psychologist and I attract people who need psychiatrists or, rather, prescription drugs. Reflecting on my relationships (+ Jag who was basically a discreet relationship), I treat boyfriends as best friends by completely confiding in them. I accept their flaws and do things that make them happy. With Isaac, I completely lost myself and all my outside interests for him. With Anchit, I mentally prepared myself to be let down because he was very attractive, independent, disciplined, smart..to the point that it was machine-like. I could not keep up with him from the beginning but fooled myself into thinking I could. The guys I date have hard shells covering their wounds and are looking for a girl to lift them up. OOPS. I am the same as those men. I seem like a huge self-centered bitch that doesn't care what people think. In actuality, I was really made to be a social worker. I live for others, do not see the point in competition, do not maintain myself the way I should, have tons of family issues. I HAVE IDENTIFIED THE PROBLEMS, and I can read men with ease (another thing they don't like). When I'm in a relationship, I get worried and anxious because I know I can't make it last. I can foresee why and when it will end, and I just try to prolong it as long as possible. I don't feel that strongly for people to begin with but hate hate hate rejection. The concept of a relationship does not sit well with me. People that need relationships are not content with themselves in some way and are looking to suppress their insecurities through someone else. Independent people don't want relationships, end up competing with their partner, or lose their independence. Non-independent people suck the life out of others, will never find self-worth while stuck to someone else's side, and make themselves look stupid. I enjoy connecting to people on a deep level when really, I go way too fast and act selfish by burdening men with my problems. I know I need to fix myself in many ways and cut the bullshit out of my life, but I don't tell people to fuck off. It's so hard staying friends with Anchit when I know that I'm always going to want him as a boyfriend again. I keep thinking of the mistakes I made and how if I could start all over the world would be good again. The worst part is I am not sure why I would want any man at all in the way that I do.
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